2012 Lion Choi's Taekwondo Holiday Party

Newest Video for Taekwondo

Hope you enjoy!!! Help me get the view count up!!!

Board Breaking

A step in the right direction...

I have decided to seek some counseling.  My self esteem has always been bad.  I have decided not to be in a relationship for a while. I need to get to know myself again. I had very strong feelings for my ex, and he meant the world to me, and this is the first time i've ever had a broken heart...I am setting up an appointment with a counselor for after Thanksgiving.  Hopefully it will help me out on my journey.  I have been eating healthier, and I have to say my anxiety level isn't as bad which is always a good thing.  

Aside from that I have had some amazing friends who have stood behind me through everything.  I am trying my best, but there is still a lot of pain in my heart.  I hope the pain goes away soon.

Picture of the Day

Blah

Today is rough...Having dreams, and having trouble sleeping...Wish I could just let everything go.

Picture of the Day- Jessica White 2012

Feeling Better

Ok folks, I have to honestly say I have been feeling oddly better lately. I've been talking to a lot of new people, and basically keep busy.  I am currently involved in a handful of projects, and am doing really well at work. Things are going pretty good.  I am no where near where I have to be, but I can do this. I know I can.

SO I am planning a photo day.  I am thinking of going to Great Falls or even Pennsylvania.  The scenery would be nice.  ANYWAYS, time for my 3 hour class at school...BLAH..

PHOTO OF THE DAY

Jessica White 12'

Feeling better

So I have been feeling a bit better this past week. I have a lot to be thankful for..I have a great job, doing well in school, great family, and I have my beauty and health HAHA. lol. Seriously, I took too many things for granted, but I am starting to see I like the person I am becoming. Once you go through something hard you get a bit stronger every time, and that is what is happening. So I feel better. :)

PHOTOWALK this Sunday, so I will have some more pictures posted. :)

PICTURE OF THE DAY-Jessica White 12'

How to start

Ok so I have a bit of a plan to help launch myself into where I have to be. Apparently all people think is that I am some spoiled white girl who gets everything handed to her, which believe it or not is not true. I work, and pay for a lot of what I have, but I cannot afford a car payment, insurance..I am a full time student, and I work part time during the week. I do not know what else people want from me. I am constantly being told to grow up, but the problem is when I get going on the right track someone or something always drags my mood or motivation back down.  I am starting to believe what people say, and that really hurts me. But I have to stay strong, and stick to my gut. Which is what I intend to do.

There are not a lot of real people here anymore. The majority of people condescend or judge most people, the only reason I know this is because I used to do it. I don't anymore though. I want to be a good person in my eyes, and I think I can be. It will just take some time.  BUT if I want something bad enough I have to work for it..and I will get to where I want to be, regardless of people's nasty comments.

Pen Pals and online friends

OK so I am a part of a bunch of social networking sites, and I have to say, I NEVER post any revealing pictures of myself, yet people always seem to make a big deal out of nothing. For instance, I could say hello to someone, and then the creeping starts. Now I am not complaining, but I do not see the big deal about sex, or why people have to be weird about it. Sex is sex, it is a part of life, and eventually too much of something can become boring, so I am not sure why people get obsessed with it, but if I were them i'm sure I may have a different perspective.  

For me, I am trying to learn Korean so I look for friends who are Korean, both male and female.  Now my Korean friends are really never inappropriate, but I get a lot of nasty comments mainly from the South American areas and Indian areas.  Anyways that is besides the point.  The point is calm down people, not everybody on the internet is looking for sex. 

On a different topic I have to say Interpals.net is one of the best pen pal sites I have found. It really does work, and you have numerous different options you can use to communicate, and I find that it is the safest too.  Just keep in mind especially children, when you are talking to someone online never give out any personal information, and do not fall for anything people might say! You can never trust anybody online.  

If anybody is familiar with the Korean language and would like to practice it with me, let me know!!! Thanks!

Taekwondo Video!!!

Here is the Taekwondo promo video I made for our October Testing!!! I hope you enjoy.  Please watch and like!!! Thanks :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQQkQEav2F0

Hurricane Night

So as Hurricane Sandy hit the east coast, it is safe to say that most of the damage hit New Jersey and New York.  Maryland (where I am) got hit pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as the other two.  So I did a lot of thinking while locked inside haha.  I figured that my feelings are somewhat rooted to feelings of abandonment.  I am not sure where this is coming from, but every time I think someone is going to leave my life, I have a breakdown.  Not sure why though.  Something must have happened that I cannot remember at this time.  Anyway during the hurricane I did not do much of anything except exercise, and watch Family Guy.  I am feeling a bit better everyday, but I am still struggling.

ASIDE from that I am extremely excited for my classes next semester. I am taking 6 to 7 classes...which when I saw on my registration 19 to 20 credits...>.< Call me crazy, but I need to graduate soon. I am tired of not having money lol. I have to honestly say though I really enjoy college, it has really kept me going.  Anyway, I am taking Korean 102, Moving Images (video class), Black and White photography, Images in Korean Films, Advanced Topics in Art History, and a photography history class....ALSO in January I am taking Tai Chi and Print Media lol...I'm going to be a busy girl.  I don't think people realize how important an education is now a days.  Not just because you will be able to find a better job, but because it is a part of self exploration. You discover what you like and what makes you happy.  Now don't get me wrong, you can do that without going to college, I know there are plenty of successful people who have not gone, but I just feel it is important in order to get to know yourself, and develop life skills.

Anyway I sit here in my bed watching the Cleveland Show and updating my blog thinking why I even do this haha.  The reason is I feel that getting my thoughts out there help me to release tension..Which it does..On another note though, my weight loss is going well.  NOW when they say eat fruits and veggies, you SHOULD, not just because it is healthier...you can lose weight eating in moderation, but when you eat fruits and veggies your mind mentally feels better.  So I am going to try and eat more of those, because I think way too much.  I don't think much of myself either, and I don't know why.  I am a beautiful, talented, and smart girl, yet I can't see it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, I cannot find out how to get to know myself, and how to discover self love.  I am trying, but it hasn't gotten much better yet.  Maybe I am doing it wrong lol.  Maybe you call could help me. Let me know what you did to get over hardships in your life.  Maybe I am complaining about nothing, but a support group would be nice though.  Anyways, I will touch base later.

Ciao
J

What is truly important?

So the past week I have been feeling very bad about myself. Not only because of the break-up, but because I am simply not happy with myself these past few years.  How do you let go of something that clings on to you? How do you even get started? Well even though it may seem impossible at the moment, you can find strength within yourself no matter how bad the circumstances may be.  Right now I am missing my old life like crazy, but I was not happy, and I have to remember that. I have made mistakes, but all that matters is the person that I am now, and what I stand for at this very moment in time.  Since then however, I have discovered I am very good at video editing, photography, and social media.  I have decided to pursue that.  At my current job I work with small children.  They always light up my day with their smiles, and more than anything else, the things you hear them say.  Children are so happy, and that is something I miss feeling.  True happiness.  When we were younger, and it was Christmas morning, there was no better feeling in the world.  The true, and genuine excitement that we felt then, sometimes gets lost with experiencing the world.  But the truth of the matter is, is that we are always moving forward, whether we want to or not.  I have move forward as a person, a woman, and a student.
One thing I will share is that I am completely excited for this Christmas. Because of my old job I have not been able to spend a lot of time with my family, but now I will have the time I wanted back. At my new job I work at the dojang I practice Taekwondo at.  I am currently the office manager, and I love it. Working retail sucks, I will never do it again.  I give kudos to the people who work retail, because it is a long, and stressful job.  It takes away valuable time you spend with your family, and the pay sucks.  Right now I have so much happiness in my life, but I find it difficult to enjoy it during this time.  Maybe I will heal more over the next few months...Maybe I won't.  But one thing is for sure, whatever happens, happens.  If I can't get over this, then what else will I allow to hold me back in life? I cannot do that. I need to live while there is time to live.  I am only 25 years old, and for the majority of my life I have held MYSELF back. No one else is responsible for my lost time, but me.  The years I spent with my ex were happy years, and even though they were happy, I still was unsatisfied with myself.  I need to regain or find self love...and I will.. Even though I feel weak now, I will pull myself back up, because I know I am a lot stronger than I think now.  I have gotten through a lot, and I will get through this.
Aside from that I will post a link to the video I made for my Taekwondo school.  It is my first promo video, but I really like it! It is promoting October's Belt Testing.  Enjoy!!!!

Lion Choi's Taekwondo October Testing

Bad week

Unfortunately this week I have not been able to find the strength that kept me going the past few weeks....its a bad week. Enough said.

Inner Struggle

So the past few days have been a bit difficult for me.  I miss my other family, I miss my old life sometimes, but I need to look at reality.  I was not happy with myself then. I'm trying very hard, but fighting with yourself internally is a very difficult fight. The most difficult part is remembering everything... I have been making efforts to keep busy, and keep moving, but this is a very lonely journey.

Yesterday I planned out the final details to this event that I am planning.  This has kept me very busy, but I need to be stronger.  The leaves here are changing colors now, so concentrating on that has kept me pretty happy.  There are plenty of photo opportunities which is pretty exciting haha.  I am currently working on a lot of different photo projects.  The longest one is this people project, where I photograph people in their natural environment in contrasting locations.  The images have to express raw emotion so its sort of a difficult project haha.  I used to be one of those people who thought that photography was not a form of art, but when my adopted mother told me that I should give it a try, I did, and was successful at it.  I really enjoyed it, and am going in a direction with it.

After this week I plan to take a mini personal photography trip, and get some nice images of the fall.  It is almost like painting. You set up the image, and your artistic interpretation will paint the picture inside the camera.  Aside from this I have been seeing my friends a lot, and reflecting the best I can on myself.  I have changed my look a little, and started eating a bit better, though the dreams haven't stopped coming.

Here is a link to my photography website, in case you would like to see some of my work.

My Website

Thanks for reading! I'll update soon.

The Beginning

So people,

I am starting this blog to not only make public my story, but to also help myself in a way.  Right now I am in a very difficult position in my life, and I tried keeping a diary, but I just never kept with it haha.  So here is my first post to give you an idea about my journey.  I have been overweight for a good portion of my life, and it wasn't until recently that I decided to do something about it. But I struggle, especially with self esteem. I think all girls have some sort of self esteem issue, so I am going to try and push through it with all of you.

My story starts with a quick glimpse of my childhood. Things started out just fine. My mom did a lot of the holiday work, and my dad did a lot of playing lol. Shortly after my parents got divorced, and from what I can remember it was due to immaturity on both ends.  Anyway,  my brother and I had each other for the majority of our lives. While both of our parents tried hard to provide for us, they were just too preoccupied with fixing their own life, which I can understand.  Through out my teens I tried to hold my head up with this false sense of confidence that I felt I needed to show.  I got picked on, but not as much as one would think.  I was not the most picked on person in school, and I had a good amount of friends.  I just always felt really badly about myself. I knew when I made decisions that they were the wrong decision to make, and I did it anyway. I was always looking for a sense of excitement in my life, thinking that time was running out, and I had to live while I could.

During my last few years in high school I got involved with a man who I couldn't stand for 3 1/2 years. He had a good heart, but he could never admit when he was wrong, and he was not honest with me.  But I stayed because I didn't think I could get anyone else.  I did everything for this man, and got nothing in return.  So I gained 60 pounds from self pity and depression. It was pathetic. I started having these panic attacks every night for 6 months, and could not sleep. My life just fell apart...by the time I hit 20 something just clicked one day. I was tired of feeling bad for myself so I started losing weight, and doing for myself.  I lost the 60 pounds I gained.  Eventually I got out of the relationship, but not for the reason I would have preferred.  After the break up, 6 months later I met an amazing man.

I am not going to go into too much detail about it, because it would take forever, but he was very unsure about himself just like me.  He treated me very well, and we did everything together. We were together for 2 1/2 years. He recently told me he didn't love me anymore. And I am completely crushed. I dream about it, and I have been very sad this past month.  He was right though, how our relationship started was not the same from when it ended.  But still I miss how things are.  So I am starting this blog to help myself rediscover who exactly I am, and what I stand for.  As of right now I am almost a black belt in Taekwondo, I am 1 year shy of achieving a bachelor's degree in Intermedia with a certificate in Korean,  and I currently hold an Associate's in Visual Arts.  I want to get over him, and I want to see that I am worth something.

So today is day 1 of my journey.  After joining Taekwondo over 2 years ago I have lost an additional 20 pounds, which currently today I have lost 80 pounds total...I woke up this morning from a dream about my ex again.  I will tell you more about myself later on, but I wanted to give you an idea of where I stand as of right now.  I currently weigh 183, and my self esteem is completely crushed. But I am a strong woman, and I will recover.  I just need to do for me for once in my life.  And I will stay single, and focus on only me.  I am so afraid of being alone, but I won't let it destroy me this time.  We all hit a time in our life where we need to be strong and face reality.  This is my time

My name is Jessica White...and this is my story